The Quickest Ways to Get Thrown Off Your Cruise Ship – Even Banned for Life!

While it’s true cruise lines want you to have the best possible time on board, there are a few things you can do once you embark to ensure that your cruise vacation is cut short and you’re cordially (or not so much) invited to go home, or anywhere you like other than back on the ship.

• Wander into crew areas – Ahhh, that mysterious part of the ship where your favorite crew wear regular clothes and your cooked-to-perfection meat comes to life. A lot less colorful than guest areas, but far more fascinating. However, intentionally walking these areas (or unintentionally more than once) will grant you a visit to an equally colorless office, mostly occupied by the Staff Captain, who will brief you on your speedy disembarkation process. Many doors around the ship are marked as “Guests allowed only in case of emergency”. Stick to that simple instruction.
• Be rough with crew members – I know, the first thing that comes to mind is WHY??!! Why would anyone ever become aggressive toward people who are at your service with a smile on their face most of the time. Well, alcohol will facilitate that, or simply being a horrible human being. While foul language might not necessarily end your cruise, anything physical, from shoving to throwing a pen, passing by licking someone’s ear (yes, I’ve heard of such a case), will quickly put an end to what could have been a wonderful onboard experience.
• Tamper with Safety Equipment – Meant to keep you, and all others (this part many people forget or choose to ignore) safe on board, ships have a huge variety of safety features and equipment that no guest should mess around with. One of the very few things cruise lines place a higher importance on than guest satisfaction is safety, so blocking certain doors from being able to close freely, tampering with fire extinguishers, or attempting to disable smoke or heat detectors will for sure result in an invitation to leave. I encountered this many years ago when a smoke alarm wouldn’t stop blaring, and before the crew in charge were able to reach the area to disable it, a guest decided to cut a cable, effectively ending the alarm issue. On the following day, guest had to leave the ship and go home from Belize, meaning he had to take 3 last-minute flights to get there, in spite of his begging to be allowed to stay on board for just one more day so he could fly directly home from Honduras. Not a chance.
• Pollute! – One of the things cruise lines are most concerned about is leaving as little of a footprint as possible. After all, it is in their best interest to maintain beaches looking gorgeous and saving themselves from some nasty fines (sometimes in the millions!). That is why they expect guests to be equally conscientious. Throwing ANYTHING overboard, regardless of how compostable or tasty for the fishes you think it might be, will land you a serious talking to. And if the item in question represents a serious environmental issue, you can expect to be told your cruise vacation has ended.
• Bring illegal items on board – You’ll find security checkpoints in every port, sometimes BOTH ashore and once on board. This, in addition to many other Security measures, may not always prevent people from bringing or keeping illegal items in their cabins. However, guests are not the only people who enter the room, and room stewards are always observant of items that should not be there, and they will promptly report them to their supervisor. While a candle or a curling iron might not mean the end of your cruise, properly illegal items like weapons or drugs will certainly mean you’ll walk the gangway, or worse.

Keeping all this in mind, cruise lines WANT you to stay on board, and to keep coming back and would rather not ban you for life. It’s a big part of staying in business. There is very little reason why anyone would choose to take these steps to be sent home in the middle of a great vacation, so enjoy yourself, be responsible and kind, and the experience will be more than memorable… for all the right reasons. – ThatGuy (onboard)